


Stop

by Ziamismyotp



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, happy ending depending on which you read, it's pretty brief, okay, one has a major character death, the other doesn't, they're are two versions to this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-15
Updated: 2014-07-16
Packaged: 2018-02-09 00:15:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1961628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ziamismyotp/pseuds/Ziamismyotp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’m sorry.” He chokes out, a large lump in his throat making it hard to speak. He brings the picture to his chest, squeezing his eyes shut and grabbing the railing tightly again to keep himself standing. He presses the picture harder against his chest and it’s as if it burns through the material of his sweater, straight through his skin and molding itself around his beating heart and remaining there, Liam, remaining with him as he brings an unsteady foot to the bar, lifting himself.</p>
<p>He looks back over the edge and lets out a difficult breath, one that nearly rips his throat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay i wrote this at 5 in the morning because i was listening to my playlist and a song by Dalton Rapattoni came on called stop. I suggest you listen to it on youtube, it's an amazing song in my opinion, very emotional. You can also listen to it while reading because I listened while i wrote it and it makes things a lot more intense. But yeah so this was kind of, well it was inspired by that song.
> 
> IMPORTANT***
> 
> This story may be triggering because of mentions of self harm and then there's the suicide. There is racial and homophobic slurs in it as well, brief but still there and there. 
> 
> Also there's a second version where there is no death so if you don't do well with death then read that. I'm horrible with accepting deaths myself which is why i wrote the second version, i wouldn't be able to live with myself if i hadn't.
> 
> Anyway, that's enough rambling. The second version will be uploaded later on if you guys want it!!

Here he is, standing in the rain at the ledge, his fingers wrapped tightly around the railing of the tall building beneath his boots. His eyes are blurry from the thick tears streaming down his cheeks and his knuckles are turning pale, ghostly, almost. The more he stares over the railing, at the cement ground far from him, the softer the floor looks and the more it calls to him, asking him what he’s going to do, if he’s really going to end it all and he nods, nods hard and frantic as he grips impossibly tighter to the cool metal. He peals a hand off and digs into his pocket, pulling out a crumpled paper. He uses the other hand to straighten the paper out in his hands and nearly shatters at the picture, at the wide grin and the crinkly eyes and the soft hair and the pure happiness. He lets out a broken sob and wipes furiously at his cheeks, wipes his nose with the sleeve of his- Liam’s- sweater. He brings the picture to his lips with shaky hands and places a soft kiss.

“I’m sorry.” He chokes out, a large lump in his throat making it hard to speak. He brings the picture to his chest, squeezing his eyes shut and grabbing the railing tightly again to keep himself standing. He presses the picture harder against his chest and it’s as if it burns through the material of his sweater, straight through his skin and molding itself around his beating heart and remaining there, Liam, remaining with him as he brings an unsteady foot to the bar, lifting himself.

He looks back over the edge and lets out a difficult breath, one that nearly rips his throat.

~

_“Please, stop.” he cries, bringing his hands to his ears and pressing hard, desperate to block out the taunting but it’s even more loud in his mind, permanently engraved in there and chanting, never ceasing._

_“Oi, is the little paki fag going to cry? Is he going to cry home to his mummy?” A boy, Stanley mocks, his friends around him laughing, clapping him on the back as if he’s said something oh so clever. “Oh wait, the fag doesn’t have a mummy. Oops.” he laughs and Zayn squeezes his eyes shut, tries not to let the words hit him to deep._

_But they do. They always do._

_“Leave me alone!” He pleads, opening his eyes back up but they’re blurry and he can’t see, even with the glasses on his nose._

_“He really is crying!” Another boy, Nickolas, points out. “He’s actually fucking crying!” He’s laughing, pointing fingers and Zayn backs away further till his back hits a wall._

_“Of course he’s crying, Nick, he’s pathetic!” Lottie, a tall stocky girl shouts. The group cackles and it feels as if he’s being enclosed by them, as if they’re getting closer and closer and his heart pounds furiously in his chest._

_“Oi, leave him alone, you sad lot.” A voice that Zayn doesn’t recognizes, shouts. He moves his hands from his ears and looks up, finds a boy sizing Stanley up._

_“Stay out of this, Liam.” Stanley bites but the boy- Liam, he gathers- doesn’t cower and Zayn watches in awe of his courage, of his bravery. Stanley is a frightening fellow._

_“I said, leave. Him. Alone. Stanley.” Liam says firmly, a discreet threat to his words that not only Zayn catches. Stanley breathes heavily and glares before he snaps his eyes to Zayn._

_He snaps, “You got lucky this time, Malik.” before he looks back at Liam stubbornly and turns away swiftly, stomping off with his group trailing behind._

_Zayn stands there against the wall, stunned and also a bit scared that this bloke will turn on him too, that he just wanted the paki fag for himself. He catches eyes with Liam and his breath hitches, his hands folding by his sides as he braces himself. His eyes widen further when Liam smiles and moves closer, stopping just in front of him and lunging out a hand that has Zayn flinching on instinct._

_“Hiya, ‘m Liam.” the boy says with such a kind smile, so soft and genuine and it’s directed at Zayn. Zayn hesitates, stares at the hand extended towards him before he slowly lifts his own, slipping it into the strangers and clasping, shaking._

_He pulls his hand away after another second and looks up. “Zayn Malik.”_

~

The memories flash through his mind and he hunches over, a sob breaking out from behind his clenched teeth and his stomach tightens. He pushes away from the ledge so his feet scrape the cement of the roof again but he doesn’t release the railing. He pushes against it and pulls back, breathing rapidly with his head down as sobs rip from his throat. He leans down and presses his forehead to the cold metal and tries to control himself but his body is trembling furiously and everything feels so broken inside him.

~

_“Liam!” Zayn squeals from underneath his best friend. Liam laughs from above him and continues to wiggle his fingers against Zayn’s sides. Zayn laughs involuntarily and tries to push Liam off of him but the boy is as strong as he looks. “St-stop it, you g-giant git!”_

_Liam moves his fingers so he can wrap them around Zayn’s wrists and pin them to the floor. Zayn bites back a hiss and wills the blood not to seep through his sleeves._

_Liam grins down at him and says, “You deserved that, you weren’t paying me any attention.”_

_Zayn scuffs and rolls his eyes. “We’re suppose to be doing homework, Li.”_

_It’s Liam’s turn to scuff. “Since when do you do homework?”_

_“Since me aunt promised me a car if I get all good marks this semester.” Zayn answers and Liam pouts and releases his wrists as he rolls off of him. Zayn breathes a silent breath of relief and rings his wrists, glances at his sleeves secretly to be sure._

_He tries to sit up but Liam is reaching for him and pulling him against him and Zayn has to try to control his breathing to steady the way his heart is racing. He’d be dead if Liam noticed._

_Liam slips an arm around Zayn’s shoulders and pulls him closer and they lay there on the Liam's floor, their legs tangled and Zayn buried in Liam’s side and trying to believe that this is enough but he wants more. So much more._

~

Zayn pushes away from the railing and runs his hands roughly over his face. Liam’s face keeps popping up in his mind, his voice, his touch, his laugh and it’s overwhelming him with guilt. He tugs on his hair before pulling out his phone. He dials Liam’s number, begging, praying he doesn’t answer because Zayn doesn’t want to talk, all he wants to do is leave Liam a voicemail, a proper apology, a proper goodbye. He doubts Liam would listen to it anytime soon but when Zayn is gone and the news travels, at least Liam can have that voicemail to listen too.

It rings and Liam doesn’t answer.

~

_He’s locked in his room, stripped down to his boxers with tears rolling down his cheeks and the mantra of ‘worthlessworthlessworthlessworthless’ screaming in his ears. He mutters, begs, desperately to nothing but his empty room, mutters, “stopstopstopstop.” but the voices never do stop and he digs a little deeper._

_He falls asleep curled on the floor, his back pressed against the side of his bed, his face in his knees and his bloody arms wrapped around his legs._

_He’s hazy but he feels himself being lifted from the floor and dropped gently onto his bed, he blinks his eyes open slowly and when he can finally see clearly he locks eyes with Liam. He’s got tears on his cheeks and he’s staring at Zayn with such a helpless, shocked look. It’s then that Zayn looks down and realizes. He lets out a whimper and sits up, pushing himself away from Liam and against the wall his bed is settled against. He hides his arms between his stomach and thighs and bites his lip to stop the trembling._

_He looks up when the bed moves and finds Liam closer and reaching out for him. Zayn cowards away, terrified and trapped and having no good answers to the questions Liam will have for him. Liam doesn’t pull away though, when Zayn shakes his head, and curls a careful hand around Zayn’s bicep and urges him away from the wall. Zayn hiccups on a threatening sob and does crawl away from the wall and into Liam’s side, letting Liam wrap his arms around him and pull him into his lap._

_He cradles Zayn to his chest like a baby and Zayn can’t help but tremble and cry silently in the dark of his room. Liam presses quick and desperate kisses to his head, to his forehead and Zayn lifts his head, lets Liam cover his face in those desperate, quick kisses._

_“Please.” Liam chokes out, tightening his arms around Zayn’s middle and latching his hands onto whatever part of Zayn’s body they can get as if he thinks if he doesn’t hold Zayn tight enough he’ll slip from his grasp and disappear. “Please, stop.”_

_Zayn’s breathes stutter and he shakes his head against Liam’s chest, says ‘no’ and lets out a bottled up sob, repeating 'nonono'._

_Liam clutches him impossibly tighter and Zayn would say it kind of hurt but it also feels so nice being held like this so he can't complain. “Zayn, please.” Liam buries his face in Zayn’s hair and it’s then that Zayn realizes Liam’s shaking too. And it’s then that he feels tears dampening his hair._

_He adjusts himself as best he can with Liam not letting up on his hold, and wraps his arms around Liam’s shoulders and they hold each other while they both cry and Zayn whispers ‘I’m sorry’ over and over._

_And over and over._

_~_

Zayn begs the memories to stop, begs them to leave him the hell alone, shouts and falls to his knees, pleading and tugging on his hair.

But they don’t stop and he remembers the way Liam’s lips felt against his. He remembers how Liam felt around him, against him, near him, on him, in him. And he remembers how it all vanished, how Liam finally realized he’s a hopeless case and told him with sad eyes that he can’t fix him. And his heart shatters all over again.

~

_They’re cuddled up on Zayn’s bed, watching some ridiculous movie Zayn found in a box in his garage. He assumes it belongs to his aunt considering he never saw it before so he couldn’t have bought it. They laugh and mock the horrible acting and the bad humor and Zayn feels so warm inside. He can almost forget how broken he is inside when he’s with Liam like this._

_Liam’s fingers are tangled with his and his thumb rubs circles on his skin and Zayn smiles to himself, his eyes following the movement. He lifts his head and leans over to drop a quick kiss to Liam’s jaw. Liam smiles, looks down at him and leans forward to connect their lips in a lazy kiss. It’s as perfect as the hungry ones, the passionate ones and the quick ones._

_“How long?” Liam mumbles against his lips and Zayn knows exactly what he’s referring to. Zayn pulls away and looks down, still uncomfortable with the subject._

_“Three weeks.” he says and Liam brings a hand to his chin, lifting his head and giving him a soft smile._

_“I’m proud of you.” Liam tells him and Zayn forces himself not to frown as his stomach tightens painfully and the voice in his head calls him ever dirty name it can think of. He’s lying, he’s lying to his boyfriend and he feels so god awful for it. But Liam looks so damn proud of him and Zayn doesn’t want to have that look replaced with disappointment._  
  
 _He forces a convincing smile and pecks Liam on the lips. “Thanks. Me too.”_

~

Zayn remembers Liam walking away from him, ignoring Zayn’s shouts and apologies and promises, and he digs his nails into his palms and pushes off the ground with his fists. He stocks towards the railing and rams into it, his stomach pressing against the bar and his fingers curling around it. Liam’s picture blows away in the wind and Zayn watches it go with blurry eyes, not bothering to chase after it because it's already engraved in his mind, in his heart. He flexes his fingers and brings his foot back to the bar, hosting himself up and over until he’s facing the other side, sitting atop and staring down, wondering when he pushes off, how long it’ll take him until he hit’s the ground.

~

_“You lied to me?” Liam asks, hurt and betrayal all over his face, in his eyes. His eyes. They use to look at Zayn with such love and adoration but now they’re cloudy and dark and full of anger._

_Zayn pulls his sleeves down and pushes off the floor, rushes towards Liam and tries to grab his hands but Liam yanks them away. “Liam, please, baby, listen-”_

_“No.” Liam snaps. He looks away and shakes his head and suddenly he looks so tired and drained and Zayn just wants to pull him into his room, lay him down and rub his head softly, just the way Liam likes it, until he falls asleep. He looks so damn tired._

_“You-” Liam cuts off, a noise that sounds too much like a sob, escaping his throat. He looks back at Zayn, tears filling his eyes._ _“You lied to me.” he says again, forced and strangled. “You said you stopped. I tried-” he cuts off again and wipes his cheeks. “I’ve tried to help you, Zayn, I’ve tried so hard to make you happy-”_

_“You do!” Zayn stresses but Liam snaps his head back towards him and Zayn flinches at the pure anger in his eyes. “You do.” he says again, quieter but no less honest. “But when you’re not here, I just. I fall apart again. There’s just-” a thick lump is forming in his throat and he feels so in distress, so desperate for Liam to understand but so lost on how to explain it._

_“There’s just these voices in my head that- that-” he chokes and brings hands to his hair, tugging helplessly. “And I try to ignore them but it’s so hard. I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I don't- I-”_

_He lets out a frustrated sound and fresh tears fall from his eyes. Liam stares at him but it’s not soft and understanding, it’s helpless and lost again. There’s no longer that glint of hope in his eyes, it’s no longer that patient, loving gaze and Zayn knew this day would come. He knew he’d be to much for Liam to handle._

_“I’m sorry, Zayn.” Liam struggles, looking at him sadly. “I’ve done everything I can think of. I’m. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t fix you. I’m sorry.”_

_And then he’s turning away, walking out of Zayn’s room and Zayn knows he should let him leave but his heart is tearing apart in the most painful ways at just the thought of being alone again so he rushes after him, calls for Liam, begs for his forgiveness and promises to stop but Liam keeps walking. He keeps walking, straight out the front door and to his car and Zayn watches from the doorway, his chest feeling like it’s ripping open and his heart is shattering, bleeding._

_He falls to his knees and cries out as Liam pulls out of the driveway. He wraps his arms around his stomach and rocks forward, backwards, forwards, backwards. He curses himself, tells himself how stupid and pathetic he is, and sobs._

_He doesn’t move until his aunt comes home from work and carries him off to her bed, holding him through the night the way he thinks a mother would hold her son._

_~_

Zayn closes his eyes, his breathing evening out enough that he’s not gasping so violently anymore. The rain drenches his skin as his sobs settle to silent tears that slip down his cheeks like rivers. He sniffles and pictures Liam’s face on more time and whispers his apologies, his goodbyes.

He knows Liam will be okay without him. They haven’t seen each other in two weeks, he hasn’t received a single text or call from him. They don’t go to the same University so it’s not as if he can see him in class. So he assumes Liam is okay, he’s finally happy without the burden of Zayn’s own demons on his shoulders and with an image of Liam happy with his mates and his family and his pets, he smiles a little and swallows. He opens his eyes, looks back at the pavement of the ally way and wonders how death can look so inviting.

With one last breath he pushes off. Distantly he hears something, his name in a shout, but he closes his eyes and soon… everything _stops_.


	2. second version

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the second version like I promised!!
> 
> It's pretty much the same as the first except in the end so i guess you can skip to the end? Idk. It's all on you :)

Here he is, standing in the rain at the ledge, his fingers wrapped tightly around the railing of the tall building beneath his boots. His eyes are blurry from the thick tears streaming down his cheeks and his knuckles are turning pale, ghostly, almost. The more he stares over the railing, at the cement ground far from him, the softer the floor looks and the more it calls to him, asking him what he’s going to do, if he’s really going to end it all and he nods, nods hard and frantic as he grips impossibly tighter to the cool metal. He peals a hand off and digs into his pocket, pulling out a crumpled paper. He uses the other hand to straighten the paper out in his hands and nearly shatters at the picture, at the wide grin and the crinkly eyes and the soft hair and the pure happiness. He lets out a broken sob and wipes furiously at his cheeks, wipes his nose with the sleeve of his- Liam’s- sweater. He brings the picture to his lips with shaky hands and places a soft kiss.

“I’m sorry.” He chokes out, a large lump in his throat making it hard to speak. He brings the picture to his chest, squeezing his eyes shut and grabbing the railing tightly again to keep himself standing. He presses the picture harder against his chest and it’s as if it burns through the material of his sweater, straight through his skin and molding itself around his beating heart and remaining there, Liam, remaining with him as he brings an unsteady foot to the bar, lifting himself.

He looks back over the edge and lets out a difficult breath, one that nearly rips his throat.

~

_“Please, stop.” he cries, bringing his hands to his ears and pressing hard, desperate to block out the taunting but it’s even more loud in his mind, permanently engraved in there and chanting, never ceasing._

_“Oi, is the little paki fag going to cry? Is he going to cry home to his mummy?” A boy, Stanley mocks, his friends around him laughing, clapping him on the back as if he’s said something oh so clever. “Oh wait, the fag doesn’t have a mummy. Oops.” he laughs and Zayn squeezes his eyes shut, tries not to let the words hit him to deep._

_But they do. They always do._

_“Leave me alone!” He pleads, opening his eyes back up but they’re blurry and he can’t see, even with the glasses on his nose._

_“He really is crying!” Another boy, Nickolas, points out. “He’s actually fucking crying!” He’s laughing, pointing fingers and Zayn backs away further till his back hits a wall._

_“Of course he’s crying, Nick, he’s pathetic!” Lottie, a tall stocky girl shouts. The group cackles and it feels as if he’s being enclosed by them, as if they’re getting closer and closer and his heart pounds furiously in his chest._

_“Oi, leave him alone, you sad lot.” A voice that Zayn doesn’t recognizes, shouts. He moves his hands from his ears and looks up, finds a boy sizing Stanley up._

_“Stay out of this, Liam.” Stanley bites but the boy- Liam, he gathers- doesn’t cower and Zayn watches in awe of his courage, of his bravery. Stanley is a frightening fellow._

_“I said, leave. Him. Alone. Stanley.” Liam says firmly, a discreet threat to his words that not only Zayn catches. Stanley breathes heavily and glares before he snaps his eyes to Zayn._

_He snaps, “You got lucky this time, Malik.” before he looks back at Liam stubbornly and turns away swiftly, stomping off with his group trailing behind._

_Zayn stands there against the wall, stunned and also a bit scared that this bloke will turn on him too, that he just wanted the paki fag for himself. He catches eyes with Liam and his breath hitches, his hands folding by his sides as he braces himself. His eyes widen further when Liam smiles and moves closer, stopping just in front of him and lunging out a hand that has Zayn flinching on instinct._

_“Hiya, ‘m Liam.” the boy says with such a kind smile, so soft and genuine and it’s directed at Zayn. Zayn hesitates, stares at the hand extended towards him before he slowly lifts his own, slipping it into the strangers and clasping, shaking._

_He pulls his hand away after another second and looks up. “Zayn Malik.”_

~

The memories flash through his mind and he hunches over, a sob breaking out from behind his clenched teeth and his stomach tightens. He pushes away from the ledge so his feet scrape the cement of the roof again but he doesn’t release the railing. He pushes against it and pulls back, breathing rapidly with his head down as sobs rip from his throat. He leans down and presses his forehead to the cold metal and tries to control himself but his body is trembling furiously and everything feels so broken inside him.

~

_“Liam!” Zayn squeals from underneath his best friend. Liam laughs from above him and continues to wiggle his fingers against Zayn’s sides. Zayn laughs involuntarily and tries to push Liam off of him but the boy is as strong as he looks. “St-stop it, you g-giant git!”_

_Liam moves his fingers so he can wrap them around Zayn’s wrists and pin them to the floor. Zayn bites back a hiss and wills the blood not to seep through his sleeves._

_Liam grins down at him and says, “You deserved that, you weren’t paying me any attention.”_

_Zayn scuffs and rolls his eyes. “We’re suppose to be doing homework, Li.”_

_It’s Liam’s turn to scuff. “Since when do you do homework?”_

_“Since me aunt promised me a car if I get all good marks this semester.” Zayn answers and Liam pouts and releases his wrists as he rolls off of him. Zayn breathes a silent breath of relief and rings his wrists, glances at his sleeves secretly to be sure._

_He tries to sit up but Liam is reaching for him and pulling him against him and Zayn has to try to control his breathing to steady the way his heart is racing. He’d be dead if Liam noticed._

_Liam slips an arm around Zayn’s shoulders and pulls him closer and they lay there on the Liam's floor, their legs tangled and Zayn buried in Liam’s side and trying to believe that this is enough but he wants more. So much more._

~

Zayn pushes away from the railing and runs his hands roughly over his face. Liam’s face keeps popping up in his mind, his voice, his touch, his laugh and it’s overwhelming him with guilt. He tugs on his hair before pulling out his phone. He dials Liam’s number, begging, praying he doesn’t answer because Zayn doesn’t want to talk, all he wants to do is leave Liam a voicemail, a proper apology, a proper goodbye. He doubts Liam would listen to it anytime soon but when Zayn is gone and the news travels, at least Liam can have that voicemail to listen too.

It rings and Liam doesn’t answer.

~

_He’s locked in his room, stripped down to his boxers with tears rolling down his cheeks and the mantra of ‘worthlessworthlessworthlessworthless’ screaming in his ears. He mutters, begs, desperately to nothing but his empty room, mutters, “stopstopstopstop.” but the voices never do stop and he digs a little deeper._

_He falls asleep curled on the floor, his back pressed against the side of his bed, his face in his knees and his bloody arms wrapped around his legs._

_He’s hazy but he feels himself being lifted from the floor and dropped gently onto his bed, he blinks his eyes open slowly and when he can finally see clearly he locks eyes with Liam. He’s got tears on his cheeks and he’s staring at Zayn with such a helpless, shocked look. It’s then that Zayn looks down and realizes. He lets out a whimper and sits up, pushing himself away from Liam and against the wall his bed is settled against. He hides his arms between his stomach and thighs and bites his lip to stop the trembling._

_He looks up when the bed moves and finds Liam closer and reaching out for him. Zayn cowards away, terrified and trapped and having no good answers to the questions Liam will have for him. Liam doesn’t pull away though, when Zayn shakes his head, and curls a careful hand around Zayn’s bicep and urges him away from the wall. Zayn hiccups on a threatening sob and does crawl away from the wall and into Liam’s side, letting Liam wrap his arms around him and pull him into his lap._

_He cradles Zayn to his chest like a baby and Zayn can’t help but tremble and cry silently in the dark of his room. Liam presses quick and desperate kisses to his head, to his forehead and Zayn lifts his head, lets Liam cover his face in those desperate, quick kisses._

_“Please.” Liam chokes out, tightening his arms around Zayn’s middle and latching his hands onto whatever part of Zayn’s body they can get as if he thinks if he doesn’t hold Zayn tight enough he’ll slip from his grasp and disappear. “Please, stop.”_

_Zayn’s breathes stutter and he shakes his head against Liam’s chest, says ‘no’ and lets out a bottled up sob, repeating 'nonono'._

_Liam clutches him impossibly tighter and Zayn would say it kind of hurt but it also feels so nice being held like this so he can't complain. “Zayn, please.” Liam buries his face in Zayn’s hair and it’s then that Zayn realizes Liam’s shaking too. And it’s then that he feels tears dampening his hair._

_He adjusts himself as best he can with Liam not letting up on his hold, and wraps his arms around Liam’s shoulders and they hold each other while they both cry and Zayn whispers ‘I’m sorry’ over and over._

_And over and over._

_~_

Zayn begs the memories to stop, begs them to leave him the hell alone, shouts and falls to his knees, pleading and tugging on his hair.

But they don’t stop and he remembers the way Liam’s lips felt against his. He remembers how Liam felt around him, against him, near him, on him, in him. And he remembers how it all vanished, how Liam finally realized he’s a hopeless case and told him with sad eyes that he can’t fix him. And his heart shatters all over again.

~

_They’re cuddled up on Zayn’s bed, watching some ridiculous movie Zayn found in a box in his garage. He assumes it belongs to his aunt considering he never saw it before so he couldn’t have bought it. They laugh and mock the horrible acting and the bad humor and Zayn feels so warm inside. He can almost forget how broken he is inside when he’s with Liam like this._

_Liam’s fingers are tangled with his and his thumb rubs circles on his skin and Zayn smiles to himself, his eyes following the movement. He lifts his head and leans over to drop a quick kiss to Liam’s jaw. Liam smiles, looks down at him and leans forward to connect their lips in a lazy kiss. It’s as perfect as the hungry ones, the passionate ones and the quick ones._

_“How long?” Liam mumbles against his lips and Zayn knows exactly what he’s referring to. Zayn pulls away and looks down, still uncomfortable with the subject._

_“Three weeks.” he says and Liam brings a hand to his chin, lifting his head and giving him a soft smile._

_“I’m proud of you.” Liam tells him and Zayn forces himself not to frown as his stomach tightens painfully and the voice in his head calls him ever dirty name it can think of. He’s lying, he’s lying to his boyfriend and he feels so god awful for it. But Liam looks so damn proud of him and Zayn doesn’t want to have that look replaced with disappointment._  
  
 _He forces a convincing smile and pecks Liam on the lips. “Thanks. Me too.”_

~

Zayn remembers Liam walking away from him, ignoring Zayn’s shouts and apologies and promises, and he digs his nails into his palms and pushes off the ground with his fists. He stocks towards the railing and rams into it, his stomach pressing against the bar and his fingers curling around it. Liam’s picture blows away in the wind and Zayn watches it go with blurry eyes, not bothering to chase after it because it's already engraved in his mind, in his heart. He flexes his fingers and brings his foot back to the bar, hosting himself up and over until he’s facing the other side, sitting atop and staring down, wondering when he pushes off, how long it’ll take him until he hit’s the ground.

~

_“You lied to me?” Liam asks, hurt and betrayal all over his face, in his eyes. His eyes. They use to look at Zayn with such love and adoration but now they’re cloudy and dark and full of anger._

_Zayn pulls his sleeves down and pushes off the floor, rushes towards Liam and tries to grab his hands but Liam yanks them away. “Liam, please, baby, listen-”_

_“No.” Liam snaps. He looks away and shakes his head and suddenly he looks so tired and drained and Zayn just wants to pull him into his room, lay him down and rub his head softly, just the way Liam likes it, until he falls asleep. He looks so damn tired._

_“You-” Liam cuts off, a noise that sounds too much like a sob, escaping his throat. He looks back at Zayn, tears filling his eyes. “You lied to me.” he says again, forced and strangled. “You said you stopped. I tried-” he cuts off again and wipes his cheeks. “I’ve tried to help you, Zayn, I’ve tried so hard to make you happy-”_

_“You do!” Zayn stresses but Liam snaps his head back towards him and Zayn flinches at the pure anger in his eyes. “You do.” he says again, quieter but no less honest. “But when you’re not here, I just. I fall apart again. There’s just-” a thick lump is forming in his throat and he feels so in distress, so desperate for Liam to understand but so lost on how to explain it._

_“There’s just these voices in my head that- that-” he chokes and brings hands to his hair, tugging helplessly. “And I try to ignore them but it’s so hard. I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I don't- I-”_

_He lets out a frustrated sound and fresh tears fall from his eyes. Liam stares at him but it’s not soft and understanding, it’s helpless and lost again. There’s no longer that glint of hope in his eyes, it’s no longer that patient, loving gaze and Zayn knew this day would come. He knew he’d be to much for Liam to handle._

_“I’m sorry, Zayn.” Liam struggles, looking at him sadly. “I’ve done everything I can think of. I’m. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t fix you. I’m sorry.”_

_And then he’s turning away, walking out of Zayn’s room and Zayn knows he should let him leave but his heart is tearing apart in the most painful ways at just the thought of being alone again so he rushes after him, calls for Liam, begs for his forgiveness and promises to stop but Liam keeps walking. He keeps walking, straight out the front door and to his car and Zayn watches from the doorway, his chest feeling like it’s ripping open and his heart is shattering, bleeding._

_He falls to his knees and cries out as Liam pulls out of the driveway. He wraps his arms around his stomach and rocks forward, backwards, forwards, backwards. He curses himself, tells himself how stupid and pathetic he is, and sobs._

_He doesn’t move until his aunt comes home from work and carries him off to her bed, holding him through the night the way he thinks a mother would hold her son._

~

Zayn closes his eyes, his breathing evening out enough that he’s not gasping so violently anymore. The rain drenches his skin as his sobs settle to silent tears that slip down his cheeks like rivers. He sniffles and pictures Liam’s face on more time and whispers his apologies, his goodbyes.

He knows Liam will be okay without him. They haven’t seen each other in two weeks, he hasn’t received a single text or call from him. They don’t go to the same University so it’s not as if he can see him in class. So he assumes Liam is okay, he’s finally happy without the burden of Zayn’s own demons on his shoulders and with an image of Liam happy with his mates and his family and his pets, he smiles a little and swallows. He opens his eyes, looks back at the pavement of the ally way and wonders how death can look so inviting.

With one last breath, he begins to push and everything-

“ _Stop!_ ” A loud cry sounds and at the very last second he clutches at the bars, his fingers wrapping tightly around and pulling himself back against the railing. He snaps his head around and his heart, his mind, everything stops.

Liam’s pushes through the roof doors and runs towards him, drenched head to toe. Zayn’s to stunned to do anything but stare and let himself be pulled off the ledge when Liam finally reaches him.

He’s immediately yanked into Liam’s arms and it seems less like a hug and more like a _clutching for dear life_ kind of grip. It takes him a moment before his mind starts working again and he’s trying to pull out of Liam’s hold but Liam doesn’t relent.

“Let me go!” he cries as he desperately tries to push Liam off of him. Liam may be here, he may have found him and Zayn might be insanely happy to see his face again but that doesn’t change anything. Zayn still wants to die, _god_ , he wants to die. “Liam! Please!” he begs, his throat clenching and his eyelashes sticking from the tears that have never stopped flowing and seem to have only intensified.

“No.” Liam says firmly. He sounds choked and he sniffles against Zayn’s neck. He’s vaguely aware of his dampened neck but he’s to busy struggling out of Liam’s embrace to really take notice. “No, Zayn. Never again, I love you.”

At his words Zayn finally stops, he stops shoving and hitting Liam and lets out a broken sob, his legs giving out underneath him. He drops to his knees with Liam going down with him, never letting him go for a moment and Zayn brings his hands to cover his face, sobs ripping from out of his throat. Liam cries and holds Zayn against him, rocking them back and forth.

“I-I got your message and-” he cuts off, choking on a sob. “I knew where you’d be. I ran as fast as I could, Zayn, god, y-you were actually going to- you were going to do it.” Liam says in a tone of such disbelief and horror and Zayn nods against his chest.

“I’m sorry.” Zayn hiccups. “I-I’m sorry, I’m so s-sorry, Liam.”

Liam shushes him when he continues to spew sorry’s into the air. He’s not exactly sure what he’s saying sorry about, everything perhaps. For causing Liam so much trouble, so much pain. For lying. For trying to kill himself. For still wanting too.

“ _I’m_ sorry.” Liam says. “I didn’t- I shouldn’t have left you like that. I was just so hurt. But I promise, Z” he moves back a little and cups Zayn’s cheeks, lifting his head to look at him. He thumbs at the tears on his cheeks and his eyes look so sad but determined as he continues, “We’re going to get you the kind of help you need. Professional. And I’m not leaving you again. I love you, I’m so sorry.”

Zayn’s heart feels a little less beaten, pumps a little bit stronger as he listens to Liam’s words, sees the honesty and dedication in his eyes and Zayn knows he’s going to be a pain in the arse when it comes to therapy or whatever Liam has planned for him but looking at Liam right now, being near him again and hearing him say these things to him, it makes Zayn want to walk out of this building, take a cab home and lay in bed with Liam until the pressure in his chest lightens up a little.

“I’m sorry, I’ll do whatever I have to and I wont lie to you again.” and he means it. “I love you.” Liam leans down and Zayn meets him halfway, their lips connecting once again and it feels like a promise, one that will not be broken this time.

And in time, the pain will  _stop_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there we go! Hope you're satisfied with the ending :)

**Author's Note:**

> oh my god
> 
> Okay well, do you guys want the second version? Lemme know!


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